Honesty and vulnerability are things that I crave, so here goes…
This week was rough and chaotic. Our family schedule was normal. Nothing crazy happened, but I felt chaotic. I felt out of sorts. I felt unbalanced.
I did not meditate. I was not consistent with my workouts. I ate foods that made me feel bloated and lethargic. I allowed negative and toxic energy into my space. Cue the negative self talk: “I’m so fat. I am fake. I am a hypocrite. I am ugly. I am unworthy. I am not good enough”.
Ouch.
I chose to sit in my self-pity for about a day. I chose to let the negative self talk consume me. I chose to allow myself to continue on this path of self-destruction.
Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. And I want to show you that I’ve been there too. I struggle with my own insecurities. Just like you. I struggle to balance everything. Just like you. I get inside my own head, sometimes. Just like you.
The good news is that we don’t have to live this way. We have a choice. Our daily choices shape and mold our lives. I had to ask myself: Are my choices this week helping or hindering me? Is my mindset serving me in a realistic way?
This morning, I took some time to write down my daily routine. I highlighted the parts that needed to happen in order for me to stay balanced. I found some chunks of time to get a few more things done and to spend more time with my son. I also found that my morning meditation is vital for setting the tone for the day. Whether it is 2 minutes or 20 minutes. Visually seeing where I can improve put things into perspective.
This week, I encourage you to take a look at your morning routine. How does your routine set the tone for your day? How does your routine serve you? What are some ways you can improve on your routine to better serve you and your family?
*After reading the title of this post, it’s safe to assume that this won’t be an easy read. It wasn’t easy to write. Miscarriage can be a controversial topic. It can create an emotional upheaval. Especially if you have been through it before. If you feel that this topic is too much for you, please protect your inner self by skipping over this post.*
2020 has been crazy. If that’s not an understatement, I really don’t know what is. A global pandemic, political blowups, killer bees, a recession….the list goes on and on. For me, a miscarriage.
In the middle of June, my husband and I found out that I was pregnant with our second child. Our son, 2.5, has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives. We were over the moon and thrilled to expand our family again.
My pregnancy with our son was not an easy one. I was sick the entire time. Struggled with low blood pressure, body issues, depression, and anxiety. His birth did not go to plan at all and was extremely traumatic. Breastfeeding was a joke. I tried for months and it just didn’t work out. 4 months post partum, I realized that I had post partum depression and anxiety. I was a mess. I struggled with the fact that my body did not do the one thing that, biologically, I’m made to do: make and sustain babies.
It took months to find myself again and to feel “normal” again. I came to this conclusion: I am a woman. I carried a human life for 9 months and birthed a baby. No matter how it happened: I am a fucking badass!
Fast forward to June of this year: I’m pregnant! My husband and I were anxious yet over joyed. We went to our first ultrasound and were a little disappointed because we couldn’t see anything yet. I wasn’t as far along as they thought I was. I was having some pain in my lower left side; which caused my Dr to schedule a more in-depth ultrasound at the imaging center.
I didn’t know what to think. I had a feeling my body was telling me that something was wrong. I pushed it aside and waited for the results from the in-depth ultrasound. We were told that I was 6 weeks along. They saw a heartbeat and blood flow. Everything was fine and they wanted us to go back in 2 weeks.
What a relief!!! We counted down the days to the next ultrasound. We just wanted to see our baby and confirm a due date. We started thinking of clever ways to tell our family and close friends.
On July 15th, we went in for the ultrasound. We were so excited and anxious. I remember the first time I saw our son. There were so many happy tears. My Dr brought in the machine and started the ultrasound. He instantly frowned and started moving the machine around; trying to get a better look. After a few moments, he turned to us and said “I am so sorry guys. There is no blood flow, no heartbeat, and no growth from the last ultrasound. This looks like a miscarriage”.
My heart sank into my stomach. I’m dreaming, right? This is just a really bad dream. I wanted to pinch myself. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to scream and cry. Instead, I pulled myself together and started asking questions. “What happened? Why did this happen? What are our options from here?”
The first thing my Dr said to me was “I need you to know that this isn’t your fault. You are healthy and take good care of yourself. I know that. This is not your fault. 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sometimes these things just happen. I am so sorry for your loss.”
1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage?? I was floored. I had no idea that so many other women had lost babies too. This experience is truly heartbreaking. It is extremely difficult to put it into words. I can’t imagine all of the other mamas out there mourning their lost babies.
After going over our options, we opted for a natural miscarriage. No meds. No surgery. Just let the body do it’s thing naturally. One week later, I called my Dr in tears. I had a fever, body aches, fatigue, the chills, the sweats, vomiting, nausea, headaches. I felt like I had the flu. He prescribed medication to help things move along.
The medication felt like it was working. I was in so much pain that it reminded me of childbirth. The flu-like symptoms continued and got worse. We did a follow up a few days later and my Dr confirmed that the meds hadn’t worked. Our only other option was surgery.
At this point, I was done. I wanted it to be over. It’s hard to grieve and process in the middle of everything. And once again, I found myself beating myself up over the fact that my body was not cooperating and doing what it was supposed to do.
On July 30th, I went into the hospital for surgery. I will spare you the surgical details, however, I felt like I was walking into the hospital with a baby and out with nothing. I felt guilt and shame; like I had done something wrong. I felt disgusted with myself and my body. I felt like a horrible wife and an even worse mother. I felt like I had let everyone down. I was questioning if I wanted to have more kids. I was questioning if I was strong enough.
Those thoughts continued to flow through my mind during surgical prep. Ryan kept asking me how I was feeling and if I was ok and I honestly could not answer him. I was choking back tears.
When I woke up in the recovery room, my Dr was by my side, monitoring my vitals and asking how I was doing. This is when it all really hit me. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. My emotional dam broke and I just lost it. The tears started to flow and I all I could say was “My baby is gone. My baby is gone”.
The recovery was brutal. Both physically and emotionally. Those dark thoughts of worthlessness wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t shake the shame, guilt, and fear of the future. I laid in bed and cried for 3 days.
Snuggles with our sweet son 2 days after surgery…
On the 4th day, my son came running into the room and asked “Mama, can we have waffles and bacon for breakfast??”. It was Saturday and he knew that we usually did a special breakfast on the weekends. I looked into his sweet eyes and realized that I had a choice: I could stay in bed and let these dark thoughts and feeling take over once more or I could get up, dust myself off, and have a nice breakfast with my family.
That morning, I slowly made my way downstairs and helped make breakfast. I sat at the table and ate waffles with my family. I cried. We all laughed. It was a magical moment.
From there, we took it day by day, moment by moment, and slowly found our groove again. We grieved while staying present with our son and being thankful for all that we have.
For the mamas who lost babies, I mourn and grieve with you. Our babies are gone; they will never be forgotten. We will get through this.
For the spouses who hold it together and act as our rock, thank you. A thousand times. Thank you.
For the people wondering if I’m having more kids, honestly, it is none of your damn business. So please stop asking.
For those who don’t know how to support someone who has had a miscarriage, it can be hard to empathize when you haven’t been through it. I understand. The best thing you can do is not ask questions, listen with a compassionate heart, and just be there. This is a very intimate, delicate, and heartbreaking space to be in.
2020: The year that was supposed to bring us 2020 vision and prosperity. Not so much, right? I’ve seen many people say “2020 is cancelled. See you next year”.
Stop. Listen.
2020 is NOT cancelled.
2020 is the year that shook us. 2020 is the year that woke us up. 2020 is the year that made us uncomfortable. We can’t grow without being uncomfortable.
I rarely talk politics. Why? Because the art of communication is dying. Most people don’t know how to carry a conversation anymore, especially when when they’re in disagreement. I’ve encountered many people who need people to 100% agree with them, or they feel invalid or attacked. Their validation comes from the outside, rather than within. Here’s the thing: I can see where you’re coming from and respect and love you as a person, without agreeing with you.
Which is part of the reason why, with quarantine and the state of unrest that our nation is in, I wanted to pull the covers over my head and live in my own la la land. It doesn’t really affect me, right? It’s not a big deal, right?
Wrong.
Stop. Listen.
I have been mostly quite on all social media fronts because, honestly, I didn’t know what to say. A few weeks ago, everyone posted a black square for Black Out Tuesday. I did not post a black square. I thought to myself “How the hell is posting a black square going to make a difference? ALL lives matter. Blue lives matter. This shit is ridiculous”. I didn’t have anything nice to say so I kept quiet.
Stop. Listen.
A friend of mine used an amazing analogy to explain what is happening: When someone’s house is on fire, we call the firefighters to put it out. They don’t take the time to talk about the other houses. They are focused on saving the house that is on fire. Do the other houses matter? Of course. But they aren’t on fire.”
Stop. Listen.
Black squares on social media don’t bring change. BLM hashtags don’t bring change. They are useful and effective tools for bringing awareness, but we need CHANGE. So, how do we change?
Stop. Listen.
Listen to your inner voice. Your thoughts. Your words. Your actions. Are they helping or hindering? You don’t have to be on the front lines of the protests. But we all need to look inward. I found biases in me that I didn’t even know existed.
Stop. Listen.
Listen to your family. Your friends. What they say, do, post on social media. Are they helping or hindering? Racist “jokes” are not jokes. It’s ok to be the “black sheep” and say something and, hopefully, enlighten them on why their actions and words are hateful.
Stop. Listen.
Listen to your kids. Listen to what you are teaching them; to what society is teaching them. Together, we can raise a generation that isn’t blind to the injustice that is blatantly taking place. We can teach them to speak up. To defend and love one another.
Stop. Listen.
Listen to our nations leaders. Hear their words; their promises. See their actions. See how broken our 2 party system is. Let’s educate ourselves and vote for leaders who will bring about the change we need, rather than blindly voting for a political party.
Stop. Listen.
Yes, I can support the BLM movement and be white. Yes, I can support our law enforcement officers and want accountability and consequences with their power. Yes, I can support the protests while shaking my head at the looters and rioters. Yes, I can be supportive without blasting it on social media.
Stop. Lisen.
If you feel at a loss for words, that’s ok. If you choose to post on social media, or not, that’s ok. If you go to protests, that’s ok. If you choose to stay home, that’s ok. If you’re unsure of things right now, that’s ok. Change comes from within. If we all look closer at ourselves and the people that are close to us, we can slowly start a chain reaction of change.
I have written this post probably 7 times over the last couple of weeks. The last thing that I want is to come across as pretentious or “Holier Than Though”. So, I will start by saying that this based on my experience, my mental and emotional health, and my perspective.
I have been sober for 2 months. That may not seem like a long time but it is for me. I am not, nor ever was, an alcoholic. That being said, I did use alcohol to cover up, hide, and run away from my problems. It was very subconscious and it was only brought to my attention within the last year or so.
After giving birth to my son a few years ago, I noticed something. Many (not all) moms out there use alcohol as a reward and a refuge from the busy day. “I worked so hard today (in and/or outside of the home), I deserve this glass of wine”. “My toddler really gave me hell today. I need this rum and coke to unwind”. Sound familiar?
This got me thinking…at this stage in my life (late 20’s, wife, mom), WHY do I drink? It took me a few months but I finally realized that I was drinking to escape. I was in survival mode; just barely making it through the day. I was on the verge of a break-through. I could feel it. But it was so scary and uncomfortable that I used alcohol to push it away.
There were people in my life, at the time, that fed into this “I earned my alcohol. I need alcohol to unwind” mentality. I couldn’t hang out with these people without drinking. Even when I didn’t want to drink, I allowed them to talk me down into thinking that I worked so hard and needed those rum and cokes to celebrate. Celebrate what?? Being a wife? Being a good mom? (or trying to) Making it through the day? That is ridiculous.
I don’t want to survive. I want to live. I want to own my life. I want to face up to my insecurities, fears, and past and move forward, without the crutch of alcohol, to live my best life.
So 2 months ago, I quit drinking. I have done a tremendous amount of work on myself over the last few years but these last 2 months have tied up the loose ends. I have clarity about so many things that haunted me for years. I’m not longer in survival mode. I am living. I still have insecurities, fears, and doubts, just like any other wife, mom and person out there. But I don’t hide from them anymore. I am living.
I am not sure how long this sobriety will last. I have not given myself a timeline. I just have no good reason to drink so I don’t drink. It is simple and because of that, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
In the meantime, if you want to go out for drinks, I’m there! Girls night? I’m in! Karaoke Night? You betcha! It turns out, virgin pomegranate margaritas are actually pretty tasty. La Croix is my jam!
This week, I encourage you to take a look at your habits (not just drinking) and ask yourself WHY? WHY do you do the things that you do? And how do those things serve you? If they aren’t serving you in a positive manner, what are some things you can do to change that?
A few years ago, in our first house, the dishwasher flooded the kitchen. It was Black Friday and Ryan and I woke up to water everywhere. Our custom stained, red oak floors were ruined. The repairs took 3 months. We were devastated.
Friday night, the kitchen sink somehow got clogged and overflowed into the kitchen. There was water everywhere. I flashed back to our house and thought to myself “Not again! Why us? Why now? Why?”. I could feel the panic settle into my shoulders. My breath quickened as my thoughts began to race. “How much damage is there? How much is this going to cost? How long will all of this take?”
As I mopped up the water, Ryan took inventory of the damage. He turned to me and said “Babe, none of the water went underneath or behind the cabinets. There’s no damage. I’ll call a plumber”. Tears of relief.
I stood in the middle of the kitchen, grateful that there wasn’t any damage. I cried until I felt an emotional release.
I am stressed about the kitchen and the sink, but I am sitting here with so much gratitude.
I have running water. I have a kitchen. I have a roof over my head. I have money to fix the sink. I have food to feed my kid. I have a husband who doesn’t care if I ugly cry on his shoulder. I have so much to be thankful for.
There is a lot of crazy stuff happening right now. Viruses, school closures, snow (in March?!). It can be overwhelming, stressful, ad scary. But we have so much to be thankful for.
This week, I encourage you to take a few moments and write down what you’re thankful for. Stick it on the fridge, the bathroom mirror, your laptop as a reminder that in the chaos, we can still find peace and hope.
The last few weeks have exhausted me to my core. We don’t get sick often but when we do, it’s bad. Riley was the first to get sick, then me, the Ryan. On top of that, Riley is now an independent, strong willed toddler who thinks it’s appropriate to run around naked, peeing on everything while screaming “NO!” to everything I say. Oh, and he’s too big for naps now. When did that happen?
Deep Breath.
Parenting isn’t easy. This phase of parenting has tested me in surprising ways. Daylight savings time messed with Riley’s schedule so much that he refused to nap; which made bedtime a total nightmare. I remember standing at the foot of Riley’s crib; he’s screaming in my face; I’m almost in tears. I look down at my watch and see the background that Ryan put on it for me. “Babe, you SO got this”. Deep Breath. I got this. I picked up Riley, cuddled him, and continued to take deep breaths. Within 10 minutes, he fell asleep on my shoulder. I stood there and cried for at least another 10 minutes. These are the times I look back and miss someday. As rough as that afternoon and evening were, it was the best moment to have him melt onto my shoulder and to hear him breathe and just smell him.
I want you to know that you are not alone. We are all balancing many things. Parenting, marriage, work, social life, self care, pets, etc. Some days are great. Other days push us to our limit. But we are never alone. We’ve got this.
Remember New Year’s Eve, when we all said that 2020 would our year? When we were so excited about the promises and opportunities that a new year brings?
Yeah. Me too. Although, it is not manifesting the way that I thought it would be. It is funny how we plan, wish, hope, and pray for things; we even take action! And yet, things still don’t quite seem to work out in the end. But they do!
You may be thinking, Wait What? Allow me to explain.
My family rarely get sick. When we do, it’s bad. I feel like my family has been sick since Christmas. That’s right. Christmas. Why? I honestly have no idea. But here are a few things that I have learned and been reminded of in the last few months…
-Planning and goal setting will only get you so far. You have to take action! Taking that first step can be scary and hard but it is also empowering and opens the door to so many opportunities. I planned for a life shift. I wrote out my goals and to-do list. But I paused when it was time to take action. Once I finally did, everything seemed to fall into place. Trust your instincts! You got this! Take that step!
-It’s OK to say “No” to things, people, situations, and environments that do not serve you well. Setting boundaries to protect my mental and emotional health has been challenging for me in the past. I am proud of the steps I have taken to settle into this current space.
-It’s OK to change your timeline and your goals a little as you go along. For example, I’ve been lifting weights for a while. One of my goals was to go up in weight with my squats and deadlifts. Cue the hip and back pain. UGH! I stopped lifting for a little over a month. I was scared and stuck. I started working with a Personal Trainer and had to start over. Frustrating, right? Wrong. I feel so powerful! I feel stronger than ever. I am going up in weight with zero pain and amazing form. The timeline may have shifted, but the goal is still there and more attainable than ever.
-Rest and Recovery are essential. In all aspects of life. I’ve had a lot of downtime while being sick. I hated it at first. I am a productive person. I like getting things done. Sometimes the Universe says “Here’s my gift to you: The FLU! Surprise! Now, go drink some tea, shut-up, and relax”. Relax? How dare you tell me to relax!? Oh wait. This is kind of nice. I have noticed that I struggle with slowing down sometimes. This has been a good change of pace and helped me soak in some precious moments with my son. I am reminded of how important mindfulness and meditation are in my daily life.
What has been on your mind lately? How are your goals and your timeline for those goals serving you? What are some ways you can slow down and enjoy life to the fullest? What do you need to do in order to take that first step?
Google (yes, I googled it) defines “healthy” as “indicative of, conducive to, or promoting good health”. Basically, healthy is anything that aids in your health.
That being said, why do we follow the non-sense that media promotes about health, when there is little to no science to back it up? Why are we constantly on the hunt for the “perfect” diet, the magic pill/shake, the best workout routine, when, chances are, we already know what to do for ourselves?
Here is a different perspective on health: It is not “one size fits all”. What works for one person, may not work for others. And that is ok! You know your body better than anyone else. Find what works best for YOU and run with it!
It has taken me years to find what works best for me. When I stopped copying others and looked inward, I finally figured out that a flexibile diet, tons of water, working out 4 to 5 days per week, and daily meditation and journaling are what work best for me. It helps keep me healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally.
This week, I encourage you to look inward and ask yourself “What do I need? What does my body need?”. Write it all down. And tackle one thing at a time. Even if it’s just adding an extra glass of water to your routine, that is a step toward your goals and should be celebrated!
Hi, I’m Rachel. A Wife. A Mother. A Fitness Enthusiast. A Yogi. A Dreamer. A Realist. I could go on. Needless to say, I wear many hats, just like you.
I have been wanting to start this blog for a long time. I mean, a really long time. And for years I put it off because I was told I needed to find my “niche”. You know? Like something you specialize in. There’s the mindful mom, the yoga mom, the lifting mom, the cardio mom, the PTA mom, the working-professional mom, the meal-prepping mom, etc. And it’s not just moms. Everyone seems to have a niche. I’ve spent the last few years trying to find mine. I’ve been digging deep; I love yoga so maybe I’m the yoga mom? But I also like to lift…..and meal prepping is fun…..but what about meditation? I can’t make it through the day without some sort of meditation and mindfulness.
Then it hit me. Since I’ve tried so many things, I do a little bit of everything. I meditate for 5 minutes every morning. I do yoga with my son. I lift and enjoy working out. I meal prep to save my family time and money. I may not be an expert, per say, but I do have experience in each of these things and more. I live A Balanced Life. Boom! This blog is born.
So there you have it. I am here to inspire each and every one of you to live your life to the fullest and in balance. It can be quite a challenge sometimes, but I hope my ramblings will inspire you to keep moving forward.
A Balanced Life 